Stumbling Through the Darkness

This is a section dedicated to two things, to suicide and to surviving suicide. If you do not want to venture further into this domain, that is the beauty of the written word. You don't have to. If you do, please humour me with your tolerance, respect and understanding. I am a new SOS (Survivor of Suicide) and this tool, writing, is a small part of my therapy, but at the same time, a sharing of this astronomical experience, should anyone ever need a read or an avenue for their own situation.

Stumbling --That's what you do when suicide hits your domain. You Fall, get up again, whack your knee on something til it hurts so bad it brings tears to your eyes, then you get back up and keep going until you stumble again, which you will. Why? Because it's dark, you can't see where you're going and it's scary...

Darkness --That of which we can't see coming, can't see through and have a hell of a time walking through day by day because we keep whacking into things (see above explanation) and hurting ourselves.

This describes the process of dealing with suicide perfectly to me. It's basically like being in a room you are all too familiar with (your life) , and then all of a sudden for an unknown reason, the place goes dark. You know where you need to go but you can't find it anymore because the lights are out. Permanently, for all you know. Somehow you have got to adjust to this new, unpleasant situation. You know you can because you're still in the same place with the same people and you haven't changed. Oh, yes, maybe you have. You are treading alot more carefully now for fear you will be hurt....again, and again until there's no stopping of the hurt when you can't see where you're going. How frustrating and how dangerous this new place is. You never asked for this to happen, you paid your electric bill. It is all so absurd. Why now, if no fault of yours, do you have to "pay" the consequence? Where did your old life go? Why does crap like this have to happen?

There are the many branches of this new turmoil that will beseech you again and again, acceptance, sorrow, anger, pain, distress and hopelessness and back , then there is the guilt, the blame ,the trying to piece it all together and make sense of it, phase. This again you go back to many times. I don't recall finding a book ever in my life, and I read alot, that could have prepared me for this. No one I talk to can make me feel completely at ease with it all. I can't get my head around it, Dr's, drugs, friends, booze, nothing can beat this one. I somehow have to sort this out myself, my way in my own time....alone. I don't mean alone, support wise, cause there has been tons of support and more so if I reach out for it, but alone in that, this is MY special little deal, MY SON, MY LOSS, MY PROBLEM. You don't feel that anyone else could possibly know what is in your heart, head, belly with this. As well you feel like your are putting a burden on your friends, loved ones, other children by even feeling any of these things. You're pretty sure they don't want to hear about it. In the other child case, you feel like the sibling is dealing with her own issues regarding this horrible loss. You certainly don't want to be responsible for handing your burden over to her as well......To be continued.